


Painful exhaustion

by TacitClowns



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Gen, Ready up for a feels trip, This is a terrible prompt for anyone to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-03
Updated: 2013-09-03
Packaged: 2017-12-25 08:37:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/951014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TacitClowns/pseuds/TacitClowns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The next morning after the events in the forest. (Morning after episode 21 basically)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Painful exhaustion

 

When Levi woke there was a sense of exhaustion. Physical, yes, but that pain was natural, easy to ignore. But there was a new sense of pain. It ate away at his chest when he stood, when he stretched, when he showered and especially when he came out and looked himself in the mirror.

His face was battered in bruises, turned purple and lifted his skin with swelling. Dried blood caked slow healing wounds and a thick bandage covered his wounded hand. He couldn’t look away from the mirror, not when he slipped into his uniform and donned his cloak. Not when he raised his wounded hand to fix his pants, his shirt or the clip on his cloak.

His lips only twitched at the pain. He raised his good hand to flatten his hair. Gray eyes stared back at him, empty of any emotion.

 _Did I always look like this?_ The thought struck an already sore chord in his chest. _Is this what Auruo wanted be?_

The name hit sent another pain to going through his chest. Levi’s face remained blank. Dead.

He walked out of the bathroom, feeling muscle scream for a break. He refused his body rest. The world seemed to refuse the same. Why should he?

He passed rooms of the stone cold corridor, rooms that would be filled with new recruits, hopefully worthy ones on that note. Levi refused to allow any less person to wash away the scent of the others that once lived in those quarters. He refused to put them to peaceful rest in his mind until the new recruits proved themselves useful. As useful as those who slept their last night in those beds just a moon ago.  

Levi went toward a particular room. A room familiar to only one person. The others stumbled into the horrid mess of papers and bed sheets only to feed the woman who thrived within the mess.

For once he didn’t hear jubilant chatter. A one woman conversation that never seemed to die down, that seemed to go on for hours on end until _somebody_ came into the room and turned her off switch down.

 _I suppose I need to do this from now on._ Levi slowed his walk, not wanting to go into the room. Not wanting to face the woman. Not wanting to face the silence. _Doubt Irvin would want to take shut off duty._

He stopped just at the door, refusing to step into the light that leaked out of the open door.

 _I need you to talk, Hanji. Talk about titans. Talk about Eren._ Levi’s thoughts were desperate for normality. The pain in his chest was creating a physical pain now, rippling through him when he took a breath, refusing to ease as he stood as still as a statute. _Call my name and tell me you found something new._

Levi stepped into the light. _Tell me to call Irvin. Grab my shoulders and start yelling nonsense._

He saw no one at the littered desk. Hanji was always at her desk.

 _Jump up like a hungry mutt jumps for food._ Levi stepped into the room, the dim light felt like it exposed every bruise, wrinkle and bloody cut on his body. _Come Hanji. Stop waiting so long. I’m already here._

He turned his head and spotted books thrown onto the floor, to make space on the bed. A bed that was hardly slept on unless someone carried her from the desk.

 _No one was here to put her on the bed._ Levi walked closer, creating a shadow over her still form. _I didn’t. Irvin didn’t. Those brats would never take it into their hands to care for her._

He watched her side rise and fall underneath the blanket. He looked to the side and spotted her glasses thrown carelessly to the floor, one of the straps was snapped. Torn by vicious fingers that needed to release uncontrollable anger.

_Hanji would never harm her own things._

He picked up the glasses and put it on the bed post. He sat on the edge of the bed, making the mattress dip low enough for her foot to slip and hit his back. Levi was slouched, elbows on his knees and his good hand covering his face.

A deep, heavy breath woke up Hanji. Slowly but surely she came into waking consciousness.

 _Erd’s only putting me to bed, Gunter._ The thought made Hanji smile. Almost. _I’m sorry I sleep at my desk. There’s only so much time for me and—_

She turned; the smudged figure in front of her was not Gunter nor was it Erd. She reached for her glasses but they were far from her grasp, the figure reached over and dropped it into her open palm.

She thumbed the broken strap as she set them onto her face. The torn leather brought back overwhelming emotions that caused her to throw her books onto the floor, rip hours of work onto the floor and tear her glasses from her face, refusing to see the titans she so skillfully drew out. The emotion returned, setting her mind into a hazy fuzz of anger.

“Levi.” Hanji’s voice cracked.

_Did I scream that much?_

“You made a bigger mess than I ever thought you could.” His voice didn’t have its normal, monotonous vibe. It scared Hanji. His voice was shattered in a hundred different places; the fresh wounds were no better.

 _Call me shitty glasses and tell me I’m late for breakfast._ Hanji got up carefully, refusing to let her body falter against the physical pain of emotional loss. _Tell me Auruo is going for his second plate. Tell me he’s going to eat my share._

“Did you guys eat breakfast already?” The words tumbled from her mouth before she could stop herself.

Levi’s eyes widened in surprise but they were blank like slate stone.

 _You’re going as crazy as I am._ Hanji could tell. She could read past his expressionless gaze. _How can you hide it better?_

“Maybe Irvin got Eren on kitchen duty.” Levi thought the sound of the titan shifter’s name would set her mind straight or at least ease the pain for a short while.

 _Don’t falter, Hanji. Don’t do it._ Levi watched as she turned her gaze away from him. Her shoulders beginning to shiver and her hands shaking as she clenched the bedsheets tight. _You can’t let me fall too._

“…Auruo isn’t going to eat my share, right?” Hanji’s voice was a hoarse, shattering whisper. The sound only strengthened the pain in his chest, gnawing away at the mental hold on his mind.

_One more and the dam will burst, Hanji. Is that what you want?_

Levi shook his head once, never breaking his gaze from her. He forced himself to watch the look in her eyes snap, like a rock thrown at a glass window. Her voice faltered to say something else but it only came out as a shattering cry. She flung the glasses off of her face and rested herself on her two hands, shoulders sagging and her head hanging. The loss was too physically heavy for her to carry.

He reached for her, setting a hand around the curve of her shoulder. She picked her head up and pressed the weight of her arm against his, he was forced to be dragged forward, further into the bed. He fell back into the bedpost with Hanji’s weight against his chest, her hands tangled into his shirt and her face against the crook of his neck.

Hanji never held back. Be it fighting titans or discovering something new, she _never_ held back. When her nails started to break into Levi’s skin, when her cries became desperate for some type of comfort and when her nose started to run into his shirt Levi had no choice but to hold her tight with his chin buried in her hair.

His gaze refused to look at anywhere but his fingers that gripped her tight, refusing to move as she struggled to contain herself. He wouldn’t rub her back in reassurance, he wouldn’t tell her there will be better days, he wouldn’t tell her _we’re certainly going to avenge them._

Because he refused to lie to her.   

“I think Irvin is cooking.” Levi mustered up a voice against her cries. “Wonder if he’s wearing that apron.”

Hanji stifled almost at once, the smallest laugh escaped her throat and seized the crying. Levi just put a band aid on the crack of a dam.

“His shoulder would stretch it.” She said, her voice muffled against his shirt.

“We should go down and get it away from him then.”

Hanji pulled back and sat on the heels of her feet. She looked like hell had taken a steamroller over her. Her hair was in knotted mess, fresh bruises from yesterday’s battle battered her peachy skin all the way from her arms to her face and most probably the rest of her body. Her face was flushed pink, her eyes and nose red.

Levi was quiet as Hanji picked herself up, snapping the glasses onto her face and changing into fresh clothes. He spotted a large bruise that ran from her shoulder to her mid back, yellowing on the edges but bloody purple in the thick middle. All around her body was the familiar bruising of her maneuver gear, giving an invisible outline to her muscled shape.

She pulled up her boots and turned to him, fresh as a daisy but held none of the charisma of one. The look in her eyes was as blank and shattered as his own.

Levi stood and followed her out the door, blowing out the candle in her room. He followed her down the stairs into the dining area, his whole body stiffening at the silence.

 _Don’t think of Petra’s laugh when Auruo tries to take food from Gunter’s plate._ Their boots were the only sound heard. He spotted Mikasa sitting alone at Levi’s table.

“Mikasa!” Hanji forced herself to put on a happy tone. “Did you sleep well?”

 _You’re not their mother._ Levi watched as Hanji forced on a familiar skip to her step. _You don’t fool them._

Levi was slow to follow, watching as Hanji spoke to the quiet girl.

 _The fight skinned her as raw as it did with the rest of us._ He thought as he took a seat at the far edge, away from the two. _She probably broke down at Eren’s bedside._

“How’s the brat?” Levi raised his voice, refusing to let it crack.

“Sleeping.” Mikasa didn’t acknowledge which one she was speaking about.

 _All of them are probably still asleep._ He watched her carefully, her gaze was blank and empty. Emptier than his own. _She’s been up this whole time no doubt._

“Is Irvin cooking breakfast?” Hanji asked cheerfully.

“He is.” The girl nodded, turning her gaze to Levi.

“I’ll go check up on him.” Hanji turned to leave. Levi heard the shattering crack in her voice, Mikasa’s state of mind only brought Hanji even lower.

“Thank you.” Mikasa said as soon as the woman left the room. “For the help.”

“ _Listen_ next time.” Levi slouched forward, clasping his hands together. He watched from the corner of his eye, Mikasa’s lip twitched and her eyes narrowed. Levi shooed her away with a wave of his hand. “Go sleep. I need rested soldiers. The week will be long.”

She didn’t protest. In fact, the girl looked relieved. She got up, touching the red scarf with her hand as she left the area.

Levi was left alone, the physical pain in his chest subsided, everything was just a dull ache. He reclined his head back in peace.

Nothing hurt anymore.

Not until he heard Hanji and Irvin making their way toward the table. It wasn’t until they sat down with their food, Hanji passing him a bowl for himself and Irvin his own cup. It wasn’t until Irvin sat across from him and Hanji sat next to him. It wasn’t until he dared looked down the rest of the empty table and be greeted with empty chairs when he was greeted the raw sense of desperation. Desperation to fill in those chairs with _them_.

Irvin spotted the look on his friend’s face. _It hurts all of us, Levi. Don’t fall. The rest of us will only follow._

Hanji shifted uncomfortably in her chair, as if to get away from the empty chair next to her. She was biting her lip and staring hard at her food, as if there was something special inside there.

“To the squad.” Irvin raised his cup. He was greeted by silence.

Neither of the two looked up for a long while but Irvin held his cup. Slowly, Hanji raised her own, her hand shaking. Levi looked up, watching Irvin’s strong hand and Hanji’s shaking one. He took his own cup, unsure of his own strength and raised it to the middle.

They crashed cups, sending a small sound through the empty dining area. They all took their hands back and drank their fill, setting their cups down at the same time.

“Humanity is still expecting some good results?” Hanji mumbled quietly.

“They’ll call us failures but we’re still going to make something out of this.” Irvin shook his head.

“Funny how no matter how hard we fight for humanity it always seems like they want more from us,” Levi’s hard voice bought their attention, “I didn’t sign up to defend a babe who can’t last a few seconds without sucking on a tit.”

He got up, the dam beginning to break. Hanji passed Irvin a warning glance.  

“Yet here I am.” Levi swiped his hand out in anger, the edge of his vision starting to see red. “Ready to go back and get scolded by men who have yet to take one step away from their mother’s fucking tit.”    

  

 

 

 


End file.
